limbo...again

I've had a lot of time to think lately. I finished school a month and a half ago and now I'm in job search mode. The transition between the two has been a lot harder than I anticipated. And oddly enough I find myself back in the same/similar mindset of when I left Stoney River. I knew that I wanted a change, but I just wasn't sure what it was or how I needed to get there. This time I do have a little more insight into what I want, but I feel like I'm at that same cross roads of how to get there. It makes me long for the days of being a self-assured 16 year old where I totally thought I knew what I wanted and was certain I would get there no matter what.

It's not even that I want to go back to being 16. I'm really starting to feel like I might like being 32. Crazy, I know! I pretty much know who I am at this point, like really know instead of just thinking that I do. There are many moments recently where I wish I could tap into the self assurance of my 16 year old self. I find myself stuck in this weird anxiety driven loop which just emphasizes the whole limbo aspect of my life. I sometimes imagine my 16 year old self coming to shake my 32 year old self and telling me to snap out of it, but we would both hate that. When I was 11 or 12 one of my aunts did that to me, (she didn't like the way I treated my mom) she literally shook me by my shoulders and told me to change my attitude. I've never forgotten that and it ruined our relationship.

I've started to do a few small things that I think are helping. The first is making a to do list, but instead of having definitive deadlines I've started a notebook of rolling or ongoing tasks that I want to get completed. This way I can write down every little thing that I want to do and not feel a huge amount of pressure to finish each day, because there are things on the list that need to wait until I have the funds to get them completed like repairing my watches. It's something that needs to get done, that I want to get accomplished, but need to wait for the appropriate time. Today I had more immediate needs so I made a specific list for today. The second thing I'm trying to do is get myself on a schedule. So far this has been a huge struggle, but each day I renew my efforts and I think that's at least a step in the right direction.

On a slight side note I was looking up which generation I fall under (Millenials or Gen X) and, of course, I'm on the cusp of each depending on which dates you choose to believe. Sheesh!