should and want

The struggle between what I should do and what I want to do will be endless. There will always be things that I should be doing when I would rather be wanting to do something else. Take this morning for example: I "let" myself sleep in by hitting the snooze half a dozen times. When I got back from taking the dog out all I wanted to do was climb back in bed and read for a while. I managed to at least talk myself into checking what my assignment for class was first and then I got hooked into facebook and a few blogs that I read. Whoosh! There went my reading time. I was still really tempted (and am even as I write this) to crack open that book and dive in for a bit. The thing is I want to change. I want my life to be different. If I don't start making changes and perhaps exchanging a few wants for shoulds then things will always be the same struggle.

It's not like I don't give myself down time, because I do. The real problem is how much down time I allow myself. It always manages to be some kind of avalanche, I say to myself I can watch one episode but then I have to get up and do something off my list. Before you know it I've watched an entire season and done nothing off my list. This, of course, leads to the overwhelmed feeling and then I feel like I can't tackle anything. So starting today I'm going to make an effort to replace more wants with shoulds. Now, I don't want to get all crazy and get rid of all my wants because let's face it whenever you go cold turkey on anything it ends in disaster.

I can't remember when, but at least 5 years ago I made a commitment to make my bed in the morning. I had started to feel like my bedroom was a constant state of disaster. I knew that I could never really commit to making sure my room was picked up all the time, but I could make a small commitment like making my bed. To this day I make my bed every day. There are only ever a handful of days that it doesn't get made and I'm okay with that. In the beginning it took a lot of concentrated effort to make it happen, but the end result was so worth it. When my bed is made I feel like I've accomplished something and my room just looks cleaner.

perfectly overwhelmed

Like every good overachiever I tend to put a lot on my plate. Of course once it's there I want to do perfectly at everything, but the truth is

I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I can handle it and other times the tiniest addition will send me into a tailspin. I'm taking two classes for my 4 week summer session at UIC. Of course the school warns against this kind of intense course over-load, but I have a goal to graduate in the Spring of 2013 so I'm uber pushing myself. There are a handful of other reasons why I needed to take 2 courses during this short session like health insurance and fitting in that silly Italian 102 class, but really I just like to make myself crazy. A typical day goes like this: get up at 6:30am to take care of the puppy. Eat breakfast, shower, get dressed. Rush around trying to finish my reading and homework assignment for my English class and get out of the apartment by 8:30. And, oh yeah, take the dog out one more time. Let's just say that I never get out of the house by 8:30 and there is usually some kind of running to get to class on time, which also involves huffing it up 3 flights of stairs. My first class is a survey of American Literature, which goes form 9 to 11:55 - or really noon because my teacher doesn't quite remember what time the class actually ends at. Then I wander around trying to figure out what I'm going to eat for lunch because I still haven't managed to make my lunch yet. Too soon it's time for my second class - American History, which goes from 1 to 3:55 and also gets out 5 min or more late because this teacher also thinks that class ends at 4. UIC: Don't you think it would have just been easier to have the classes end at an nice even, round time? Next I walk home, take care of the puppy, lie down for a few minutes if I'm lucky, maybe eat something - then it's reading time! I usually start at the kitchen table but by the end of the night I've manged to sit in just about every seat the apartment has. I literally read from the moment class ends to the time I go to bed and then again in the morning. After one week of class I still haven't managed to finish a a reading assignment. I keep trying to remind myself that I'm almost half way through, but today it's just not making a dent. Wednesday there are no classes so I got up at my normal time and wanted to get out of the house early to get some much needed errands done. First stop: the bank. Because this is my one day off I was fated for trouble. I drove around trying to find parking for 35 minutes, when I finally managed to nab a spot I go into the bank, but can't "find" it. There's a big sign on top of the building with my bank name. I decided that the easiest thing to do would be to call them. After all my day was quickly slipping away and I had already spent about an hour on my bank errand. Wouldn't you know that they closed this location about 6 months ago!?! I had two options here: call my branch and make an over the phone transfer (obviously the easiest option, but I had found out recently that these were limited because of the type of account I have) or drive twenty more minutes to a different branch. Since I had other errands I drove to the other branch. By the time I got home from running all over the city it was after 2pm. And did I mention that it was extremely hot? I had to take a nap when I got back, and didn't really get caught up or ahead at this point. Still trying to find the strength to make it through these classes. (She chants: two more weeks, two more weeks).

A favorite quote from (or maybe regarding) an awesome book: "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry". I'm starting to think that could represent my life in its entirety.

the beginning

Hi! My name is Erica. Welcome to my new blog Perfectly Imperfect. I'm one of those people who like things just so.  (You can ask some of my close friends for examples of this - it can get to be pretty crazy and it becomes a constant source of enjoyment for them.) This can get to be a challenge when things don't go my way, which I have to admit happens more often than not. Over the last few years I've struggled to find the simplicity in life as well as trying to learn to live with less. This has been a constant source of struggle, but when I can manage it I find that overall I'm lighter. My heart, my soul and my "baggage" are all lighter. One of the things that holds me back the most is the idea of perfection. In the world we live in today we are constantly surrounded by images and ideas of perfection. It can be hard sometimes not to compare yourself to these images and even if you say you don't they still can manage to get into your subconscious. I know that a lot of my ideas of perfection come from that little voice inside that is always saying "it's not good enough". Lately I keep noticing little things that keep reminding me of just how imperfect I really am. This blog is meant to be more of a journey towards accepting the imperfect and realizing that those are the things that help shape who I am, because really nothing, absolutely nothing, in life is perfect.