hag hair limbo

Moving day is looming like that black hair on your chin you just noticed is 2in long and glaring at you every time you look in the mirror - and, of course, you don't have your tweezers handy to get rid of it. I've been in that weird state of limbo since the thought first came up that I might have to move. I kept it together pretty well in the beginning. Or at least I convinced myself it wasn't really going to happen - because I said so, but in the back of my mind I knew that it was most likely inevitable. It would have taken a really great job or a miracle for me to not move back home. My initial denial lead to this eerie calm about going back. Honestly I wasn't sure what was going on because I kept waiting for the true freak out. Sure I would have twinges of pain over the thought of leaving, but no major meltdowns. I was afraid to pat myself on the back for having such an adult reaction.

I've been going through the motions of getting my stuff ready and I have the majority of my things all packed and waiting for the movers. Still no freak out. I feel like I should be impressed with myself, but I have to admit that waiting for the freak out to happen is almost worse than just having one. It exemplifies the state of limbo I've been living in for the past few months. I HATE limbo. I'm just ready to move on, literally, and get my life and world back on track. I'm finishing up packing my stuff for the movers tomorrow and trying to regain some of my focus for my studies.

Here's what packing looked like 2 weeks ago at the very beginning of the box-a-palooza

and after the very productive packing session with my wonderful friend Martina

and of course the lovely Martina helping me pack (Gideon would not leave her alone the entire time she was here!)

rock and a hard place

Recently I've had to come to some realizations about my living situation. In January I moved to the city with a lot of hope and optimism. I didn't have a huge plan - but I had the feeling that it was just going to work out, because at the time that is what I needed to beleive. Hope is the one thing that keeps us going on a regular basis. I mean can you imagine a life with no hope? What would be the purpose of getting out of bed every day?

We often just want things to work out "just because". I am no different.

At this point it is a certainty that I will have to move back home. I'm really torn about this. I absolutely LOVE living in the city. I love the hustle and bustle. I love how at certain times of the day 100 or more people could walk by my apartment or early in the morning it is so quiet and peaceful you can't imagine all the noise that comes later. I have the most awesome apartment in the world and I decorated it very cute, trendy and the grown up erica way.

It would be easier in a way to live back at home (as well as save a lot of money), but there are down sides as well. It means being very limited in when I can work (if at all). A long commute every day.

When I look around at my apartment my heart hurts a little to think that I'm going to have to leave. But I also think that it's $10,000+ less that I have to be in debt. Living on my own has been a new experience and I think that no matter how you prepare the reality is degrees different. Money, money, money....why do you hate me so?

The eventual thoughts of "did I do enough?" always crop up. And of course looking back it feels like there could always be more, but perhaps at the time it felt like you were.

I started writing this post a few weeks ago, but didn't have the heart to publish it because I felt so torn about my situation. I have been making plans to move for the last week. I went home this weekend to start getting my room ready. My friend Martina came over yesterday and helped me pack about 50% (maybe more) of my things. I still feel torn, but I know that I am making the best decision for myself. Everything else will fall into place as it was meant to. Now that I know how much I liked living in the city I have something to work towards so that I can live here again.