For Me

I had a friend gently remind me of the last time I'd attended to any of my blogs. She's been my number one supporter. She actually has the url's saved and visits the blogs each day. I'm very lucky to have a friend who loves me that much. She wants me to be my best self. Why is it so hard for me to get to that place?

I know of all the little things that I need to do in order to get on track to be my better self and yet lately it's felt beyond difficult to do even the easiest of tasks. I could blame depression. It's more than that though, it's a deep seated fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of everything. I've started to try and deal with the big nasty F, but some days are just so darn hard.

I love cutesy little saying like "good things come to those who work for them" and "there is no substitute for hard work" and I'm a total believer of these sayings, but there are other forces at work (or against really) lately. I'd like to just wake-up and be like 'Yes! Today is the day where everything goes right and I'm super motivated and do all the tasks on my to-do list with no problems what so ever'. Unfortunately, even though most nights I go to sleep optimistic and think tomorrow, yes, tomorrow is totally the day - it's usually not. At first I was blaming myself, which just made things worse. Now I'm learning  to accept that this road I thought was going to be a little bumpy is going to be a lot bumpy.

I've had to struggle with doubt from myself, doubt and fears from my family, non-understanding from people whose support I needed the most (this one was really hard) and strangely enough past baggage that I thought I was over, but I'm not. I've taken to talk therapy as well as some more alternative methods to try and get myself back to feeling like me again. I never thought it would take quite this long, but what I'm learning is that when you ignore your mental and physical health for a long time it's going to take some time to get it back together again (haha - kind of like Humpty Dumpty).

Hopefully this is just the beginning.

Thank you friend for the little reminder.