stress

Historically I am not a good manager of my stress. My usual ways of coping are to freak out and to eat. When my mom was trying to figure out when to have her knee replacement surgery I begged her to consider my school schedule. Originally she wanted to have it mid April, which is the last few weeks of classes. And everyone knows what a glorious time that is with no additional complications. We had many involved and heated debates over this. At the time her concern was making the surgery work with and for her job as well as the family reunion trip scheduled for July 4. I don't give a flying rats hairy ass about making it work for her job, especially considering that she bends over backwards for them, but she was overly concerned about losing her job. I sort of get it, but not really. So we finally got to a good meeting place where she would schedule the surgery the week of my final exams. At this point I figured that it was the best option because I would really only need to be at the hospital for the day of the surgery and could work everything else around it. In my mind the most important time for me to be available was when she would be coming home.The week after final exams is the only week I had off until I would have to begin my summer course - aka the last course I need so that I can graduate. 

Just as I though that things were all hunky dory she went and changed her mind. The knee was hurting too much and she wanted to have the surgery asap. Keep in mind that at this point it was already approaching late March and there are steps that you have to take before having a major surgery like this. Not only was the urgency a factor, but she began to have second thoughts about the original timing we had worked out because of the reunion trip. Enter more fights and ultimatums. And after everything the soonest the surgery could be done was one week before the original date that we had agreed on.

There is a lot of planning that has to go into getting ready for a surgery like knee replacement. Mostly because you have to think of what you will and won't be capable of doing on your own. We had to assess where she would be spending most of her time during the day, how she would be able to maneuver around the furniture, what to do about the dog, who would be here during the day/night to help out, etc. Then there was the cleaning and the shopping. Now I had no part in figuring out all the doctor appointments and pre-surgery requirements, but I had to do my share of getting the house ready. Did I mention that this is the second time she's had this surgery done? Almost 10 years ago she had her right knee replaced and it was well past time for the left one to be done. 

I had been urging my mother to have this surgery done for years now. It was obvious that she was in pain and she knew that this was going to be the only choice. In usual Eloyce style she hemmed and hawed over what to do. When we were arguing originally about when to have the surgery my biggest concern was my ability to focus on school while trying to take care of her. I don't remember a ton about the first surgery, but I know that she needed the most help right after she came home from the hospital. This time around it would coincide with my finals week. This semester I took 7 classes ( a normal course load is 4-5). I've been determined to get done with school as quickly as possible. I know that 7 sounds like a lot, but I tried to choose carefully and several of them were creative courses so I was confident that I could handle the course load.

On Wednesday, May 1, my mother had her left knee replaced. The surgery went well and even though I was extremely nervous in the days leading up to it once she was in the hospital a strange calm entered my body. Tomorrow will be one week since she has come home. About two days ago I started to get to the point of beyond overly stressed. All of my arguments and fear about what would happen are happening. And now I'm mad. Really, really, really mad. I'd like to just shake it off and move on, but I can't. I had two exam finals this week that I didn't have time to study for and I have outstanding projects that still need to be turned in. The problem is I can't get past my anger to have a clear mind to work on them. A friend convinced me to get out of the house today and it did help, but as soon as I came back everything dissolved back the way it was. I'm hoping that by getting this out I might feel a little better.

Part of me feels so badly that I'm angry. Another part wants to say "I told you so". And yet another part wants to have a two year old tantrum by crying, stomping my feet and throwing something, anything. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know how to stop feeling resentful. I'm in this place where my last bits of school work are suffering greatly because she couldn't wait one fucking week to have her surgery. It's not just the surgery. It's all the after care, the laundry, the dishes, the cooking, the cleaning, the helping with anything and everything. And she needed the surgery - I know that - I'm grateful that she was able to have it done and that she came out of it okay. It's the here and now that is killing me. I know that we will make it through this. I'm just not sure how many more scars there's going to be.