limbo...again

I've had a lot of time to think lately. I finished school a month and a half ago and now I'm in job search mode. The transition between the two has been a lot harder than I anticipated. And oddly enough I find myself back in the same/similar mindset of when I left Stoney River. I knew that I wanted a change, but I just wasn't sure what it was or how I needed to get there. This time I do have a little more insight into what I want, but I feel like I'm at that same cross roads of how to get there. It makes me long for the days of being a self-assured 16 year old where I totally thought I knew what I wanted and was certain I would get there no matter what.

It's not even that I want to go back to being 16. I'm really starting to feel like I might like being 32. Crazy, I know! I pretty much know who I am at this point, like really know instead of just thinking that I do. There are many moments recently where I wish I could tap into the self assurance of my 16 year old self. I find myself stuck in this weird anxiety driven loop which just emphasizes the whole limbo aspect of my life. I sometimes imagine my 16 year old self coming to shake my 32 year old self and telling me to snap out of it, but we would both hate that. When I was 11 or 12 one of my aunts did that to me, (she didn't like the way I treated my mom) she literally shook me by my shoulders and told me to change my attitude. I've never forgotten that and it ruined our relationship.

I've started to do a few small things that I think are helping. The first is making a to do list, but instead of having definitive deadlines I've started a notebook of rolling or ongoing tasks that I want to get completed. This way I can write down every little thing that I want to do and not feel a huge amount of pressure to finish each day, because there are things on the list that need to wait until I have the funds to get them completed like repairing my watches. It's something that needs to get done, that I want to get accomplished, but need to wait for the appropriate time. Today I had more immediate needs so I made a specific list for today. The second thing I'm trying to do is get myself on a schedule. So far this has been a huge struggle, but each day I renew my efforts and I think that's at least a step in the right direction.

On a slight side note I was looking up which generation I fall under (Millenials or Gen X) and, of course, I'm on the cusp of each depending on which dates you choose to believe. Sheesh!

a day at the beach

Sometimes I'm afraid of getting out and doing things. This is mostly because it's just easier to be lazy and stay at home. Being more willing to get out of my comfort zone is something that I'm constantly trying to remind myself to do.

My cousin is staying with my aunt this summer working an internship and I've been trying to take advantage of her being so close by doing things together. I've had her over a few times for meals and gave her a knitting lesson. Going to the beach came up once and I thought that it sounds like a great idea, but putting it into action was taking some time.

Last week I decided that I just needed to go for it and not do so much thinking. I made my list of things to bring and started making plans. We had the BEST time. It was a little windy on the day that we went, but the reincarnation of the dust bowl was worth it. I packed a few bags, a few coolers, and all the stuff for the dog. We talked, we drank, we "swam" (really just walking in and out of the water and sitting down on the beach), and we ate some sand.

My friend, Molly, came down to meet us and we had even more fun. I'm so glad that I got out of my head and made plans. I'll keep this experience as a good example of what can happen when I allow myself  to step out of my comfort zone.

Here's Gideon enjoying the beach:

And his great swimming skills:

(Please excuse my poor video taking skills. I had a better one where he swam from my cousin to me, but my phone didn't capture the data.)