shifting what's in my bag

I've been thinking about the end of school in many different ways lately. Part of me is relieved that my undergraduate career is almost completed - just 2 more months and I can say that I have a bachelor's degree (yay!). I'm also a little fearful of what the world is going to look like past that. I had applied for 10 different MFA programs focusing on creative writing. As of today I only have 1 left to hear from and after 9 rejections I'm not feeling too encouraged that it will be a positive response, especially since it's the one application that I really screwed up (I missed the actual deadline to submit my materials, but because I had paid the fee they allowed me to still turn in my samples and transcripts). Somehow I had gotten the dates mixed up - even though I'm still not sure how that happened since I was a freak about checking those things several times before putting it down on my spreadsheet.

Now I need to figure out what sort of jobs I'm going to look for after I complete the current semester. Really there is no other option than to get a job. I'm okay with that it's just that it opens a whole new set of concerns. As a bigger girl I feel a lot of insecurities about how I'm perceived in interviews. And then there's the talking about myself - so scary. Obviously there are things that I can do to work on these concerns (and I will) it's just the little things running around my mind as I try and figure out what's next.

One thing I'm super excited about is not having to lug around my backpack anymore. For the past 3 years I've been practically living out of my backpack. I have so many cute purses that I get to pull out of hiding and use again. When you're a student I feel like you have a few choices - you can use a backpack and a backpack alone or you can use a backpack and a purse. I always thought adding a purse was so silly because I didn't want to have to carry around a whole other bag, because don't forget that if you're a savvy commuter you bring your lunch with you. I'd never managed to have room in my backpack for my lunch so I was already carrying another bag. Now, I probably carry around more than most, but it's only because I feel the uncontrollable need to be prepared for any situation. I hate not having what I need.

These are some of the things in my bag:

Outer pockets - water bottle, coffee/tea mug, umbrella, hand sanitizer, lotion, kleenex, sunglasses, knitting or non-school reading book

Smallest zippered pocket - eyeglass case & cleaning cloth, vitamins, advil, chapstick, car/house keys,

Middle zippered pocket - planner, pens, highlighters, pencils, notecards, back-up headphones, eraser, sticky notes, small flags for page markers, girly products, pen pouch (pens, highlighters, page flags, usb drive, pencil lead, eraser, binder clips, rubber bands, stapler, staples), phone charger, iPad charger, laptop charger

Biggest zippered pocket - folders, books, wallet, iPad or laptop

A few pics of the bag amid the mess.

piling up

It's getting to be that crazy time of year known as the end of the semester. It seems that the busier I get the more things start to pile up. Now, I know I have a lot on my plate and I should probably give myself a little break from the voices in my head telling me what to do, but it's just oh so hard! I really, truly want to be perfect at everything. I want to be able to get up when my alarm goes off, take the dog for a walk, prepare myself a nice healthy breakfast, shower, get ready, pack my bag and make my lunch all the while getting to the train station without having to run to catch my train. In theory it shouldn't be so freaking difficult -but it is. I find myself going through spurts of being able to get up and moving when my alarm goes off. I'm fantastic at getting up and resetting my alarm for a few extra minutes. And yes, I know that I'm not actually getting any kind of quality sleep, but it's just so cozy in my bed that I don't want to leave it. Hey, even the dog doesn't want to get up then.

Here is proof of what my life becomes when I'm constantly running around trying to be perfect person. Bags get dumped on chairs and laundry gets washed, but not folded or put away.

The couch becomes my "safe place" leaving a permanent imprint of my behind. Sad - I know.

Things become so hectic that I can barely manage to close my drawers. Pathetic.

I feel like I'm constantly striving for a balance that I am unable to reach. It gets frustrating after a while. A constant battle that I may never be able to conquer. At some point I get so frustrated with the way things look that I become a little whirlwind cleaning, sorting, putting away machine. It feels so good when I'm done and then I start to wonder why it is I can't dedicate 10-15 minutes a day to this sort of thing. The answer is that I can I just have to start making it part of my routine. The pattern has been that I do pretty well for a week or so after a straightening binge and as things continue to get busier I start being more lax in my pickupedness my space looks more and more like the pictures above. Until the frustration builds and I do an evening of cleaning and have to remind myself that I wasn't meant to be perfect.