Recently I've had to come to some realizations about my living situation. In January I moved to the city with a lot of hope and optimism. I didn't have a huge plan - but I had the feeling that it was just going to work out, because at the time that is what I needed to beleive. Hope is the one thing that keeps us going on a regular basis. I mean can you imagine a life with no hope? What would be the purpose of getting out of bed every day?
We often just want things to work out "just because". I am no different.
At this point it is a certainty that I will have to move back home. I'm really torn about this. I absolutely LOVE living in the city. I love the hustle and bustle. I love how at certain times of the day 100 or more people could walk by my apartment or early in the morning it is so quiet and peaceful you can't imagine all the noise that comes later. I have the most awesome apartment in the world and I decorated it very cute, trendy and the grown up erica way.
It would be easier in a way to live back at home (as well as save a lot of money), but there are down sides as well. It means being very limited in when I can work (if at all). A long commute every day.
When I look around at my apartment my heart hurts a little to think that I'm going to have to leave. But I also think that it's $10,000+ less that I have to be in debt. Living on my own has been a new experience and I think that no matter how you prepare the reality is degrees different. Money, money, money....why do you hate me so?
The eventual thoughts of "did I do enough?" always crop up. And of course looking back it feels like there could always be more, but perhaps at the time it felt like you were.
I started writing this post a few weeks ago, but didn't have the heart to publish it because I felt so torn about my situation. I have been making plans to move for the last week. I went home this weekend to start getting my room ready. My friend Martina came over yesterday and helped me pack about 50% (maybe more) of my things. I still feel torn, but I know that I am making the best decision for myself. Everything else will fall into place as it was meant to. Now that I know how much I liked living in the city I have something to work towards so that I can live here again.
Don't feel too bad, hun. When I first moved to LA, I had to move back to my mom's house because I couldn't afford it. Then I had to save up and try again. Almost everyone I know has had to move back home at some point after moving out for the first time. It just takes time to learn how to get everything done the right way. It's not easy, that's for sure. You'll be just fine. Don't worry!
ReplyDeleteThanks Amby! Although sometimes I feel like I'm way behind on these little life lessons. Experiencing things in my late 20's and early 30's that other's did a decade earlier. Guess I'm just on a different time table than most :)
DeleteBeen there, done that. It feels humiliating because you feel like a failure and think that everyone else has succeeded. The truth is, moving in with your folks doesn't mean that you're a failure. Living on your own is not easy, and things are expensive, and unexpected stuff happens. The other truth is that MANY people find themselves in this place. Everybody feels alone, but there are more and more people doing this. You're not alone. You are not a failure.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kristen! I need to hear (and remind myself) of that "not a failure" phrase more often. It was a really hard decision to swallow my pride and move back, but I feel really good about it. I just wish there was a longer period of escape (it was only 6 months ago that I left living with my mom). For some reason it feels like my parents had it more together at my age than I do, but I'm learning lot of things!
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