writing

I want to be a writer. That is my professional dream/obsession/compulsion/future career goal. This dream was one of the reasons why I decided to go back to school. There kept being this voice inside me that wanted to know if I could do it. I though that the only way I would ever figure it out, instead of constantly wondering and filling my days with what ifs, was if I just jumped in and tried.

I think that everyday is a journey to get there. Some days feel a whole lot more productive than others, but each word I write, each sentence that I revise, is one small step closer to realizing that goal. The hardest part about being a writer is actually sitting your butt in the chair and writing. One of the goals of this blog was to try to get my butt in the chair and start writing, no matter how small a contribution I made.

This last month has been a little crazy, and I've thought of a thousand things I want to blog about, but actually getting my butt back in the chair has been a chore.

There have been some things that I want to write about, but I don't feel like I'm ready to share them with the world yet. No matter what I do when it comes down to here, there will no longer be a way to hide it. I don't mean that in a negative way. Naturally I'm a sharer. But sometimes there are things that need to be kept close to the heart because that's the only way they'll ever get resolved.

I digress...

Now that I'm settled back into my mom's house and school has started - I'm trying desperately to get into a routine. Today is Sunday and that means that I should be doing as much homework as possible so that my week is as smooth as it can be. (Plus there's a whole bunch of stuff that's due tomorrow morning!) My mom is at work, the doors are open to let in the wonderful breeze, the dog is sleeping, and I'm working. It takes me a while once I finally sit down, because let's face it who really wants to do homework? So I mess around on facebook, check my e-mail a few hundred times, look some stuff up on Google, maybe do a few chores - these are all things that I do in order to get ready to do my work.

One of my tasks is to figure out where I'm going to go to grad school. My parents would like to see me get a job after I finish my bachelors, but my dream to be a professional writer means more education. The last couple days I've really been starting to look at possible programs. Most of them only admit 8-10 students a year. Half of those students are fiction and the other half poetry. Since I'm neither a poet nor do I want to try for both (if they even let you that is), it means that the competition for those few spots are very, very tight. I had a quick moment of "am I crazy", but then I glanced over at my bookshelf.

I have an over flowing shelf of how to books on writing. When ever I go into a bookstore I always peruse the reference section for writing books. It's more than just a desire, it's a compulsion. Something that I just HAVE to do. So, I may not be a professional now, but I'm already a writer in my heart and soul.

Isn't there something that you just feel compelled to do, no matter what the obstacles?

hag hair limbo

Moving day is looming like that black hair on your chin you just noticed is 2in long and glaring at you every time you look in the mirror - and, of course, you don't have your tweezers handy to get rid of it. I've been in that weird state of limbo since the thought first came up that I might have to move. I kept it together pretty well in the beginning. Or at least I convinced myself it wasn't really going to happen - because I said so, but in the back of my mind I knew that it was most likely inevitable. It would have taken a really great job or a miracle for me to not move back home. My initial denial lead to this eerie calm about going back. Honestly I wasn't sure what was going on because I kept waiting for the true freak out. Sure I would have twinges of pain over the thought of leaving, but no major meltdowns. I was afraid to pat myself on the back for having such an adult reaction.

I've been going through the motions of getting my stuff ready and I have the majority of my things all packed and waiting for the movers. Still no freak out. I feel like I should be impressed with myself, but I have to admit that waiting for the freak out to happen is almost worse than just having one. It exemplifies the state of limbo I've been living in for the past few months. I HATE limbo. I'm just ready to move on, literally, and get my life and world back on track. I'm finishing up packing my stuff for the movers tomorrow and trying to regain some of my focus for my studies.

Here's what packing looked like 2 weeks ago at the very beginning of the box-a-palooza

and after the very productive packing session with my wonderful friend Martina

and of course the lovely Martina helping me pack (Gideon would not leave her alone the entire time she was here!)

rock and a hard place

Recently I've had to come to some realizations about my living situation. In January I moved to the city with a lot of hope and optimism. I didn't have a huge plan - but I had the feeling that it was just going to work out, because at the time that is what I needed to beleive. Hope is the one thing that keeps us going on a regular basis. I mean can you imagine a life with no hope? What would be the purpose of getting out of bed every day?

We often just want things to work out "just because". I am no different.

At this point it is a certainty that I will have to move back home. I'm really torn about this. I absolutely LOVE living in the city. I love the hustle and bustle. I love how at certain times of the day 100 or more people could walk by my apartment or early in the morning it is so quiet and peaceful you can't imagine all the noise that comes later. I have the most awesome apartment in the world and I decorated it very cute, trendy and the grown up erica way.

It would be easier in a way to live back at home (as well as save a lot of money), but there are down sides as well. It means being very limited in when I can work (if at all). A long commute every day.

When I look around at my apartment my heart hurts a little to think that I'm going to have to leave. But I also think that it's $10,000+ less that I have to be in debt. Living on my own has been a new experience and I think that no matter how you prepare the reality is degrees different. Money, money, money....why do you hate me so?

The eventual thoughts of "did I do enough?" always crop up. And of course looking back it feels like there could always be more, but perhaps at the time it felt like you were.

I started writing this post a few weeks ago, but didn't have the heart to publish it because I felt so torn about my situation. I have been making plans to move for the last week. I went home this weekend to start getting my room ready. My friend Martina came over yesterday and helped me pack about 50% (maybe more) of my things. I still feel torn, but I know that I am making the best decision for myself. Everything else will fall into place as it was meant to. Now that I know how much I liked living in the city I have something to work towards so that I can live here again.

laugh at yourself

I am not the most graceful person and I often find myself doing things and then quickly looking around to make sure no one saw what I just did. I wish that I wasn't so obsessed with how others perceive me, but it's something that I'm working on.

A few weeks ago I was getting coffee early on Sunday morning. I'm super obsessed with Dunkin Donut's coffee to which I add their blueberry syrup. It is soooooo good. I wish that I didn't like it so much especially because the amount of cream and sugar I like in it is not waist friendly. I used to just get a cream and sugar coffee palooza once a week, but there happens to be a DD on UIC's campus. It's probably a good thing that I run late a lot so I don't have time to stop. Hey - a different flaw working for me! (For those of you that know me well, you know that I have time management issues which are inherited from my mother.) Back to my story - it was very early on Sunday morning, about 6:30, and I had just taken the dog out and decided to get coffee. The DD is a couple miles away so we drove. Their parking lot is super tiny and hard to get in and out of. I managed to find a spot right in front of the store. It was a quick in and out in less than 5, but by the time I get back in my car there are at least 3 other cars trying to park. A BIG white van is waiting for my spot. There was no one behind me I thought it would be easier to just back-up, let the van park and then try to get out of the parking lot.

Bad idea. I gunned it in reverse and was quickly stopped by the cement pole near the door of the store. I was slightly shocked at first, then terrified I had hit someone or another car. Mortification quickly seeped in. The guy in the van had this look of horror on his face, naturally I felt I had to say something. I rolled down my window and told him it was still really early and I hadn't had my coffee yet. Then I got my ass out of there as fast as I could. The entire drive home all I could do was shake my head and laugh. When I was able to park and check out the damage I couldn't believe how lucky I was, just some of the paint was scratched off with no dent. It would have been better if it never happened, but that's not the way life always works. I was so happy that no one got hurt and the damage wasn't too severe and it's nothing that can't be fixed.

When I think about these kinds of things I just have to laugh at myself. It doesn't always happen right away, some "dummie" things need more time. If you can't laugh at yourself then life is too serious.

When was the last dumb thing you did that made you laugh at yourself? Didn't it make you feel better?

procrastination

Why is it so easy to put things off? I often wish that I was the kind of person who just did the things I'm supposed to when I'm supposed to do them. I think that everyone has a little bit of a procrastinator in them whether they want to admit it or not. Lately my apartment has started to look like a hurricane came through. The kitchen is constantly a mess and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to catch up with the dishes. After a while it gets frustrating to look at, but sometimes I start to not see it at all. Starting this past weekend I went back to my to-do lists. In general I think that they are a huge help in knowing what needs to get done as well as the satisfaction you get when you cross something off the list.



No one can be perfect all the time. I try to remind myself of this a lot, especially when I feel like I'm not getting anything done. But at the same time I have to remember that it does actually take some effort to get things done, even when I don't want to. With the extreme heat the last few days getting other things accomplished has been a huge effort. I find that after a huge bought of procrastination the best way is to ease back into getting stuff done. Like trying to get into a regular routine, which means going to bed on time and setting the alarm clock for a time that you will reasonably get out of bed. I also find it easier if I break up the time I spend trying to do things. For example I set a timer and do as much cleaning up, picking up and putting away until the timer goes off. It can be easy to start with 10 minutes at a time. Sometimes you see how much you can get done and then it's easier to do more time the next time. I've found if I try to set aside a whole day for this kind of thing I end up procrastinating more and then nothing gets done and I feel horrible about myself.



What can you get done today?

celebration

On Monday I turned 31! I have a special fondness for birthdays. For me its a reminder that life is precious and special. You made it though another year. In many ways birthdays remind me of the beginning of the year. They are filled with endless possibilities and the sense that you can conquer the world. For myself I want to celebrate. It doesn't have to be a grand extravaganza, just a nice day filled with no drama and people I love. This was the first year that I spent my actual birthday alone. I have to say that it was a very different experience. It was also a reminder that I'm getting older and growing into a more mature adult. I think being single and not having anyone else to take care of (well, besides the dog) that I don't feel like I'm in my 30's, a lot of the time I still feel like I should be in high school. Which is weird, because I don't think you could pay me to go back and be in high school.

I guess you could say I have a "thing" about celebrating on the actual day. I did get a chance to celebrate with both my parents the days leading up to the day and it was wonderful. But it just never felt like my birthday. When I woke-up on Monday morning I sang to myself, took the dog for a walk and got ready for my summer school class. Class on my birthday was also another first. I've always been very lucky to not have to go to school on my birthday, usually because it was late enough in the spring that school was already out. Late that evening I took the L to the bookstore and browsed for a while, picked up a couple of writing books, then took myself to dinner at a Mexican restaurant. So far, it really felt like my birthday. Somehow Mexican and books are the two things I usually manage to do on my birthday. If you know me, you know that I love books and go to the bookstore frequently. When I go on my b-day it just feels different, the only way I know how to explain it is a calm tranquility. It's probably part of the new beginnings feeling that comes with the mark of a new year.

I had some great conversations with family who wanted to wish me a happy day and gobs of friends on fb writing on my page. And last night I had a fantabulous friend take me to dinner at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. I have not been so stuffed in a long time. It was such a special, special dinner. As I continue to get older I'm starting to learn to be more flexible about my ideas and I hope that next year's celebration can be just as great as this year.



My mom made me gluten free cupcakes!



Me and dad



Me and my step-mom Debbie



At Ruth's Chris - Stacey had they make a special plate with my desert. I made a really good wish!



Me and Stacey (limo was for her parents Anniversary)

romance authors + book signing = my celebrites

I haven't always like to read as much as a I do now. When I was little my mom used to say that when I read all the books on my shelves I could buy more. Of course much of that was in reference to the book flyer's they passed out in class. I loved those little catalogs - all the books looked so awesome. I was in middle school when I first got turned on to romances. We were having a garage sale and some of the neighbors brought stuff to be sold. Afterwards the unsold items hung around our garage for a while. I found this book, Years by LaVyrle Spencer - the cover was oh so racy. I was intrigued and took the book. You could call this a turning point. For a while I read the teen romances, but closer to high school I really fell in love with the Zebra Historicals as well as other single title romances. One summer my step-mom took me around to all the garage sales and we found bags and bags of romances. Soon I found my favorite author's like Julie Garwood, Johanna Lindsey, Jude Deveraux and Catherine Coulter.

In a few short days I'll be turning 31! I realized that well over half my life I've been obsessed with romance novels. About 7 years ago I discovered that you could actually meet the women who wrote these books. I have to say that this was kind of a revelation at the time. So I took a big bag of books and went out to a book signing to meet some of my favorite author's and get my books signed. I can't begin to tell you what a thrill it was, because to me these authors are like celebrities.

Anderson's Bookshop in Naperville has a steady stream of authors that come through its doors. Last Sunday they had 5 romance authors: Rachel Gibson, Pamela Palmer, Julia Quinn, Sarah MacLean and Elizabeth Boyle. Usually I'm the first to jump on these events and I like to plan in advance. I was a little wishy-washy about going (reasons unknown). But I did go and it was so much fun. I'm always inspired more to write after hearing the authors story and how they got started.



This was one of my first major signings. Brenda Novak came with about 9 other authors for the K-Mart Sizzling Summer Tour.



Sarah MacLean at Anderson's in Naperville for the Avon Romance Author High Tea.



Rachel Gibson - she was so gracious to sign all the books she's written.



Elizabeth Boyle - between us my stack of her books, some I had managed to put away already!



Julia Quinn - this was my second time meeting her and just as great the first time around.