For Me

I had a friend gently remind me of the last time I'd attended to any of my blogs. She's been my number one supporter. She actually has the url's saved and visits the blogs each day. I'm very lucky to have a friend who loves me that much. She wants me to be my best self. Why is it so hard for me to get to that place?

I know of all the little things that I need to do in order to get on track to be my better self and yet lately it's felt beyond difficult to do even the easiest of tasks. I could blame depression. It's more than that though, it's a deep seated fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of everything. I've started to try and deal with the big nasty F, but some days are just so darn hard.

I love cutesy little saying like "good things come to those who work for them" and "there is no substitute for hard work" and I'm a total believer of these sayings, but there are other forces at work (or against really) lately. I'd like to just wake-up and be like 'Yes! Today is the day where everything goes right and I'm super motivated and do all the tasks on my to-do list with no problems what so ever'. Unfortunately, even though most nights I go to sleep optimistic and think tomorrow, yes, tomorrow is totally the day - it's usually not. At first I was blaming myself, which just made things worse. Now I'm learning  to accept that this road I thought was going to be a little bumpy is going to be a lot bumpy.

I've had to struggle with doubt from myself, doubt and fears from my family, non-understanding from people whose support I needed the most (this one was really hard) and strangely enough past baggage that I thought I was over, but I'm not. I've taken to talk therapy as well as some more alternative methods to try and get myself back to feeling like me again. I never thought it would take quite this long, but what I'm learning is that when you ignore your mental and physical health for a long time it's going to take some time to get it back together again (haha - kind of like Humpty Dumpty).

Hopefully this is just the beginning.

Thank you friend for the little reminder.

limbo...again

I've had a lot of time to think lately. I finished school a month and a half ago and now I'm in job search mode. The transition between the two has been a lot harder than I anticipated. And oddly enough I find myself back in the same/similar mindset of when I left Stoney River. I knew that I wanted a change, but I just wasn't sure what it was or how I needed to get there. This time I do have a little more insight into what I want, but I feel like I'm at that same cross roads of how to get there. It makes me long for the days of being a self-assured 16 year old where I totally thought I knew what I wanted and was certain I would get there no matter what.

It's not even that I want to go back to being 16. I'm really starting to feel like I might like being 32. Crazy, I know! I pretty much know who I am at this point, like really know instead of just thinking that I do. There are many moments recently where I wish I could tap into the self assurance of my 16 year old self. I find myself stuck in this weird anxiety driven loop which just emphasizes the whole limbo aspect of my life. I sometimes imagine my 16 year old self coming to shake my 32 year old self and telling me to snap out of it, but we would both hate that. When I was 11 or 12 one of my aunts did that to me, (she didn't like the way I treated my mom) she literally shook me by my shoulders and told me to change my attitude. I've never forgotten that and it ruined our relationship.

I've started to do a few small things that I think are helping. The first is making a to do list, but instead of having definitive deadlines I've started a notebook of rolling or ongoing tasks that I want to get completed. This way I can write down every little thing that I want to do and not feel a huge amount of pressure to finish each day, because there are things on the list that need to wait until I have the funds to get them completed like repairing my watches. It's something that needs to get done, that I want to get accomplished, but need to wait for the appropriate time. Today I had more immediate needs so I made a specific list for today. The second thing I'm trying to do is get myself on a schedule. So far this has been a huge struggle, but each day I renew my efforts and I think that's at least a step in the right direction.

On a slight side note I was looking up which generation I fall under (Millenials or Gen X) and, of course, I'm on the cusp of each depending on which dates you choose to believe. Sheesh!

a day at the beach

Sometimes I'm afraid of getting out and doing things. This is mostly because it's just easier to be lazy and stay at home. Being more willing to get out of my comfort zone is something that I'm constantly trying to remind myself to do.

My cousin is staying with my aunt this summer working an internship and I've been trying to take advantage of her being so close by doing things together. I've had her over a few times for meals and gave her a knitting lesson. Going to the beach came up once and I thought that it sounds like a great idea, but putting it into action was taking some time.

Last week I decided that I just needed to go for it and not do so much thinking. I made my list of things to bring and started making plans. We had the BEST time. It was a little windy on the day that we went, but the reincarnation of the dust bowl was worth it. I packed a few bags, a few coolers, and all the stuff for the dog. We talked, we drank, we "swam" (really just walking in and out of the water and sitting down on the beach), and we ate some sand.

My friend, Molly, came down to meet us and we had even more fun. I'm so glad that I got out of my head and made plans. I'll keep this experience as a good example of what can happen when I allow myself  to step out of my comfort zone.

Here's Gideon enjoying the beach:

And his great swimming skills:

(Please excuse my poor video taking skills. I had a better one where he swam from my cousin to me, but my phone didn't capture the data.)

is it really, really true?

I'm done!

Completed. Concluded. Accomplished. Achieved. Ended.

All the course work for my degree is done. Finito.

I should be celebrating. For some reason it just doesn't feel real. It's hard to imagine that a very short 3 years ago (this August/September will be 3 years exactly) I started on the journey to get my bachelor's degree. I actually had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew that the path I was on wasn't going to get me there. Some of the girls I was working with at the time talked about how much they loved school and one had recently gone back. There was something almost euphoric about thinking and dreaming about returning. I applied and filled out my FAFSA and the next thing I knew I was signing up for 5 classes. I had no goal, no idea what a normal course load would be and no clue how to tell my boss that I was doing this.

So much has happened in the past 3 years that I'm not even sure where to begin. I think I just need to decompress and let it sink in. Hopefully it'll happen before the actual ceremony next spring.


Harper College Associate of Arts Diploma (I'm so excited for the UIC one - the first thing I'm going to do is get it framed!)

Graduation from Culinary School in 2002. 

                                   

Highschool graduation 1999.

stress

Historically I am not a good manager of my stress. My usual ways of coping are to freak out and to eat. When my mom was trying to figure out when to have her knee replacement surgery I begged her to consider my school schedule. Originally she wanted to have it mid April, which is the last few weeks of classes. And everyone knows what a glorious time that is with no additional complications. We had many involved and heated debates over this. At the time her concern was making the surgery work with and for her job as well as the family reunion trip scheduled for July 4. I don't give a flying rats hairy ass about making it work for her job, especially considering that she bends over backwards for them, but she was overly concerned about losing her job. I sort of get it, but not really. So we finally got to a good meeting place where she would schedule the surgery the week of my final exams. At this point I figured that it was the best option because I would really only need to be at the hospital for the day of the surgery and could work everything else around it. In my mind the most important time for me to be available was when she would be coming home.The week after final exams is the only week I had off until I would have to begin my summer course - aka the last course I need so that I can graduate. 

Just as I though that things were all hunky dory she went and changed her mind. The knee was hurting too much and she wanted to have the surgery asap. Keep in mind that at this point it was already approaching late March and there are steps that you have to take before having a major surgery like this. Not only was the urgency a factor, but she began to have second thoughts about the original timing we had worked out because of the reunion trip. Enter more fights and ultimatums. And after everything the soonest the surgery could be done was one week before the original date that we had agreed on.

There is a lot of planning that has to go into getting ready for a surgery like knee replacement. Mostly because you have to think of what you will and won't be capable of doing on your own. We had to assess where she would be spending most of her time during the day, how she would be able to maneuver around the furniture, what to do about the dog, who would be here during the day/night to help out, etc. Then there was the cleaning and the shopping. Now I had no part in figuring out all the doctor appointments and pre-surgery requirements, but I had to do my share of getting the house ready. Did I mention that this is the second time she's had this surgery done? Almost 10 years ago she had her right knee replaced and it was well past time for the left one to be done. 

I had been urging my mother to have this surgery done for years now. It was obvious that she was in pain and she knew that this was going to be the only choice. In usual Eloyce style she hemmed and hawed over what to do. When we were arguing originally about when to have the surgery my biggest concern was my ability to focus on school while trying to take care of her. I don't remember a ton about the first surgery, but I know that she needed the most help right after she came home from the hospital. This time around it would coincide with my finals week. This semester I took 7 classes ( a normal course load is 4-5). I've been determined to get done with school as quickly as possible. I know that 7 sounds like a lot, but I tried to choose carefully and several of them were creative courses so I was confident that I could handle the course load.

On Wednesday, May 1, my mother had her left knee replaced. The surgery went well and even though I was extremely nervous in the days leading up to it once she was in the hospital a strange calm entered my body. Tomorrow will be one week since she has come home. About two days ago I started to get to the point of beyond overly stressed. All of my arguments and fear about what would happen are happening. And now I'm mad. Really, really, really mad. I'd like to just shake it off and move on, but I can't. I had two exam finals this week that I didn't have time to study for and I have outstanding projects that still need to be turned in. The problem is I can't get past my anger to have a clear mind to work on them. A friend convinced me to get out of the house today and it did help, but as soon as I came back everything dissolved back the way it was. I'm hoping that by getting this out I might feel a little better.

Part of me feels so badly that I'm angry. Another part wants to say "I told you so". And yet another part wants to have a two year old tantrum by crying, stomping my feet and throwing something, anything. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know how to stop feeling resentful. I'm in this place where my last bits of school work are suffering greatly because she couldn't wait one fucking week to have her surgery. It's not just the surgery. It's all the after care, the laundry, the dishes, the cooking, the cleaning, the helping with anything and everything. And she needed the surgery - I know that - I'm grateful that she was able to have it done and that she came out of it okay. It's the here and now that is killing me. I know that we will make it through this. I'm just not sure how many more scars there's going to be.

shifting what's in my bag

I've been thinking about the end of school in many different ways lately. Part of me is relieved that my undergraduate career is almost completed - just 2 more months and I can say that I have a bachelor's degree (yay!). I'm also a little fearful of what the world is going to look like past that. I had applied for 10 different MFA programs focusing on creative writing. As of today I only have 1 left to hear from and after 9 rejections I'm not feeling too encouraged that it will be a positive response, especially since it's the one application that I really screwed up (I missed the actual deadline to submit my materials, but because I had paid the fee they allowed me to still turn in my samples and transcripts). Somehow I had gotten the dates mixed up - even though I'm still not sure how that happened since I was a freak about checking those things several times before putting it down on my spreadsheet.

Now I need to figure out what sort of jobs I'm going to look for after I complete the current semester. Really there is no other option than to get a job. I'm okay with that it's just that it opens a whole new set of concerns. As a bigger girl I feel a lot of insecurities about how I'm perceived in interviews. And then there's the talking about myself - so scary. Obviously there are things that I can do to work on these concerns (and I will) it's just the little things running around my mind as I try and figure out what's next.

One thing I'm super excited about is not having to lug around my backpack anymore. For the past 3 years I've been practically living out of my backpack. I have so many cute purses that I get to pull out of hiding and use again. When you're a student I feel like you have a few choices - you can use a backpack and a backpack alone or you can use a backpack and a purse. I always thought adding a purse was so silly because I didn't want to have to carry around a whole other bag, because don't forget that if you're a savvy commuter you bring your lunch with you. I'd never managed to have room in my backpack for my lunch so I was already carrying another bag. Now, I probably carry around more than most, but it's only because I feel the uncontrollable need to be prepared for any situation. I hate not having what I need.

These are some of the things in my bag:

Outer pockets - water bottle, coffee/tea mug, umbrella, hand sanitizer, lotion, kleenex, sunglasses, knitting or non-school reading book

Smallest zippered pocket - eyeglass case & cleaning cloth, vitamins, advil, chapstick, car/house keys,

Middle zippered pocket - planner, pens, highlighters, pencils, notecards, back-up headphones, eraser, sticky notes, small flags for page markers, girly products, pen pouch (pens, highlighters, page flags, usb drive, pencil lead, eraser, binder clips, rubber bands, stapler, staples), phone charger, iPad charger, laptop charger

Biggest zippered pocket - folders, books, wallet, iPad or laptop

A few pics of the bag amid the mess.

piling up

It's getting to be that crazy time of year known as the end of the semester. It seems that the busier I get the more things start to pile up. Now, I know I have a lot on my plate and I should probably give myself a little break from the voices in my head telling me what to do, but it's just oh so hard! I really, truly want to be perfect at everything. I want to be able to get up when my alarm goes off, take the dog for a walk, prepare myself a nice healthy breakfast, shower, get ready, pack my bag and make my lunch all the while getting to the train station without having to run to catch my train. In theory it shouldn't be so freaking difficult -but it is. I find myself going through spurts of being able to get up and moving when my alarm goes off. I'm fantastic at getting up and resetting my alarm for a few extra minutes. And yes, I know that I'm not actually getting any kind of quality sleep, but it's just so cozy in my bed that I don't want to leave it. Hey, even the dog doesn't want to get up then.

Here is proof of what my life becomes when I'm constantly running around trying to be perfect person. Bags get dumped on chairs and laundry gets washed, but not folded or put away.

The couch becomes my "safe place" leaving a permanent imprint of my behind. Sad - I know.

Things become so hectic that I can barely manage to close my drawers. Pathetic.

I feel like I'm constantly striving for a balance that I am unable to reach. It gets frustrating after a while. A constant battle that I may never be able to conquer. At some point I get so frustrated with the way things look that I become a little whirlwind cleaning, sorting, putting away machine. It feels so good when I'm done and then I start to wonder why it is I can't dedicate 10-15 minutes a day to this sort of thing. The answer is that I can I just have to start making it part of my routine. The pattern has been that I do pretty well for a week or so after a straightening binge and as things continue to get busier I start being more lax in my pickupedness my space looks more and more like the pictures above. Until the frustration builds and I do an evening of cleaning and have to remind myself that I wasn't meant to be perfect.